Kiwis & Gorillas

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo management noticed Rick, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery. Rick, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy female of any species. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Rick was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Rick showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Rick announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus"

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Wull," said Rick, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500."

Officers

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any field-grade officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Colonel who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Colonel insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Colonel to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Colonel's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?"

The Colonel calmly replied..."Vietnam."

This could happen to us
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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 "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One marked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my. Am I driving?"

Polish Divorce

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Ca nada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he >could arrange a divorce for him," very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"　Pole: "Ja, Ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."

Lawyer: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"　Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar."

Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"　Pole: "No. We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

Lawyer: "I mean, what are your relations like?" Pole: "All my relations are in Poland."

Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" Pole: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is, yes."

Lawyer: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?" Pole: No, I'm always up before her."

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?" Pole: No, she white."

Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?" Pole: "She going to kill me."

Lawyer: "What makes you think that?" Pole: "I got proof."

Lawyer: "What kind of proof?" Pole: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -it says, 'Polish Remover.'"

For dog Lovers

An old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dog, Toby along for company.

One day, Toby starts chasing butterflies and before long the Foxie discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

Toby thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Foxie exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That cat-eating pooch nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearbytree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But Toby saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now Toby sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, Toby says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

DOGGONNIT SOMETIMES BULLSHIT AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME !!!!

Pig shooting

A Northern Territory farm hand, radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the Bull-Bar at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him"

5 min later...

The farm hand calls back. "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

Now what's the problem?" raged the manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch".

Nobody Believes Old People....

Everyone thinks old people are senile.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it, so they take it home. There, she counts the money and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says. "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers," and she puts the money back into the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, the FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Fairies are female

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the
husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story.....

Men might be ungrateful idiots....

But fairies are......female!

Catholic Horses

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th
race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
Mitch was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants, can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites

(W) Right

An attorney got home late one evening after a very frustrating day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Clarence Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had been denied and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Why didn't you call if you were going to be late? What am I supposed to do with your cold dinner? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
Too upset to even respond to her harangue, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak. And he could still hear her continuing diatribe until he closed the bathroom door.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that Wright, her husband's client, had been granted a stay of execution.
She went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's posterior as he was bent over naked cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney turned his head and said wearily "My God, woman, don't you ever stop?"

A Ham Sandwich

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly.
He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his act.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ...

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist' s fingers and watch fell to the floor, shattering into pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist..

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, greasy food and barbecued ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that grease and "red meat" are very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun?" he asked.
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why in the hell do you want to live to be 80?"

Stress Management

Just in case you have had or are having a bad day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts, in the end, you will smile.
This really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows of this secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with cascading serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
8. See, you are smiling already. :-)

You don't know...

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "How are you? I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his comic book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Catch the Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterward they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

Next morning she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything has been so incredible.

"You know," he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

Health Care

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created  Ice Cream and Dairy Whip. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And low and behold they gained 10 pounds. 

And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster  chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy  lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want frieswith that?" And Man  replied:   "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.  God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.Satan chuckled and created The Health Care System.

Ain't It The Truth

A couple in their eighties are having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a check-up. 

The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

The husband says, "Sure."

She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!"

He then grumbles into the kitchen...

 After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

Mistranslation

A new young monk arrives at the monastery.   He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.   He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R."

 His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" 

 With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebrate; c-e-l-e-B-r-a-t-e."

 The Fire Engine

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

City people

An Aucklander parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office in Ponsonby to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Aucklander grabs his cell phone and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Aucklander starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long they work on it at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Aucklander finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust:
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Aucklanders are, " he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life!"
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Aucklander.
The policeman replies: "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The Aucklander looks down in absolute Horror . "F****NG HELL!!!!!!" he screams..... "Where's my Rolex?"

How to impress a women

• Wine her,

• Dine her,

• Call her,

• Hug her,

• Support her,

• Hold her,

• Surprise her,

• Compliment her,

•  Smile at her,

• Listen to her,

• Laugh with her,

• Cry with her,

• Romance her,

• Encourage her,

• Believe in her,

• Pray with her,

• Pray for her,

• Cuddle with her,

• Shop with her,

• Give her jewelry,

• Buy her flowers,

• Hold her hand,

• Write love letters to her,

• Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man

• Show up naked ...

• Bring food ...

• Don't block the TV 
   

The Perks of being 50+.

            1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

            2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

            3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.

            4. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

            5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

            6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

            7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

            8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

            9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.

            10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

            11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

            12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

            13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter  who walks into the room.

            14. You sing along with elevator music.

            15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

            16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

            17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

            18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

            19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

            20. You can't remember who sent you this list.